Odd humor

Here are some lines and odd questions by multi-awarded George Carlin, an American actor, author, stand-up comedian, and social critic who was noted for his black humor as well as his musings on the English language, politics, psychology, religion and taboo subjects.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,

"Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Could never figure out why they call them hot water heaters. Hot water doesn't need heating!

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.