Thursday, November 18, 2010

Legal humor

Is it lawful to tell jokes about lawyers? Here are some of them. Have fun.
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Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

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Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
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Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
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Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
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Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
***
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
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Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
***
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
***
Were you alone or by yourself?
***
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
***
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
***
So, you were gone until you returned?
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You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
***
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
***
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
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