Here is another set humorous lines from Funny One Liners that will stretch those facial muscles. Have fun!
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Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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Change is good. Especially when you're by the vending machines.
Did you hear about the man who dreamed someone was shouting "On your mark, get set, Go!?" He woke up with a start.
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Next time I plan to make love to my lady on a bed of roses, I need to remember: Petals ONLY.
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Ever notice how the person who says, "Well, that's the way the ball bounces" is usually the one who dropped the ball?
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You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
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My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.
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Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef.
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The safest place to be during a plane crash is curled up in a fetal position on the floor really far away from any planes.
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If you can't face it, moon it.
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Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.
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I’ve been calling my husband “babe” for five years because I’m too embarrassed to tell him I forgot his name.
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Never ask anyone to cut you some slack when you're bungee jumping.
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Wisdom is divided into two parts: having a great deal to say and not saying it.
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I'm doing what I've always done. Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.
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My healthcare plan is pretty simple. I'm covered as long as I stay healthy.
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Went to a book signing last night but now I can't see past the signature on the screen of my Kindle.
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The Boss: "We're not eliminating your position, Smith. We're just eliminating your salary."
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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The last time I got an "A" on a test, it was for hepatitis.
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There are four things I'm no good at: faces, names, and numbers.
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When you don't know where you're going, every road will take you there.
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