Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Short Jokes

Here is another set humorous lines from Funny One Liners that will stretch those facial muscles. Have fun!
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Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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Change is good. Especially when you're by the vending machines.
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Did you hear about the man who dreamed someone was shouting "On your mark, get set, Go!?" He woke up with a start.
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Next time I plan to make love to my lady on a bed of roses, I need to remember: Petals ONLY.
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Ever notice how the person who says, "Well, that's the way the ball bounces" is usually the one who dropped the ball?
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You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
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My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.
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Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef.
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The safest place to be during a plane crash is curled up in a fetal position on the floor really far away from any planes.
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If you can't face it, moon it.
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Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.
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I’ve been calling my husband “babe” for five years because I’m too embarrassed to tell him I forgot his name.
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Never ask anyone to cut you some slack when you're bungee jumping.
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Wisdom is divided into two parts: having a great deal to say and not saying it.
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I'm doing what I've always done. Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.
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My healthcare plan is pretty simple. I'm covered as long as I stay healthy.
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Went to a book signing last night but now I can't see past the signature on the screen of my Kindle.
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The Boss: "We're not eliminating your position, Smith. We're just eliminating your salary."
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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The last time I got an "A" on a test, it was for hepatitis.
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There are four things I'm no good at: faces, names, and numbers.
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When you don't know where you're going, every road will take you there.
allvoices

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